Dying and Gone to Heaven

My twins had the pleasure of actually knowing 1 of their great grandmothers, they still have a set of great grandparents and a couple of great grand aunts. My grandmother lived fairly close to my parents and between me and my parents we would let the kids ride their little bikes over to visit their "bak bak" (great grandmother in chinese). So my twins were seeing her fairly often since birth and were fairly close to her...as close as possible for an elderly great grandmother and her great grandchildren.

So when she fell ill and was hospitalized I brought the kids to visit when it was possible. They understood that when people are very sick they go to the hospital and the doctors work very hard at making them feel better. She unfortunately never went home, she went to a rehab hospital and then back to the hospital and back again to rehab where she passed away. So then I was faced with the issue of whether or not I tell them. They were asking everyday if she was feeling better and I didn't know what to tell them or how to explain it. They were 4.5 years at this point and after much thought I decided to bring them to the wake and funeral. I know my grandmother was probably so pissed that I brought them, but I feel that it's a part of life and although 4.5 yrs is young, she was a part of their lives and for her to just disappear would not be great either.

It was obviously a very sad day, but with the kids there it just made us laugh...their curiousity I think helped to make everyone not feel as sad. So we had a wake for my grandmother and it was open casket. As we, the immediate family, lined up to enter the funeral home, and the emotions began to build up in me and tears started to fall, Tyler and Madison are wondering why everyone is crying and then they see the casket. Tyler pulls at my hand and asks, "mommy, why is bak bak in a box?!?". That made me laugh and I made me cry harder partially from the saddness and the other from my laughter.

So I explained that we were here to say good bye to Bak Bak because she is going to heaven now where she will be healthy and happy. The kids looked at me like I had lost it.
"No mommy she's RIGHT THERE!" now my brain is smoking from trying to figure out what to say to them. I was hoping they wouldn't ask questions. Then Madi asks "why is Bak Bak so red?!??!" (the funeral home did not do a great job on her make up, so yeah, she was kinda red), so I had to say it was just make up. So throughout the night they had questions and asking the same ones over and over. I had stopped answering some of them and the two of them would just discuss amongst themselves.
Madi: "what is taking so long? why are we just sitting here?"
Tyler: "ohhhh...I know we are waiting for the airplane to bring bak bak to heaven"
And this seem to have satisfied them. We got through the rest of the night and finally it was time to go home. In the car the kids were discussing "issues" again.
Tyler: "but where is Bak Bak's airplane?"
Madi: "oohhhhhh...I know. Bak Bak is going to go to heaven in her box. It's like a rocket ship, and she will blast off! into heaven"
Madison and her class were just finishing a unit on space, planets, and rockets. It's good to know that she can apply what she learns into the real world outside of school. So instead of confusing them I just let them think that yes, the box serves as a rocket ship. That's what my parents and I call a coffin now too..."I would like a shiny rocket ship when I go..."

So the next day services are finished and we go to the cemetary. We do our last rituals and then we are asked to bow our heads as the coffin is lowered into the ground. The kids try and sneak a peek, but we kept their eyes covered...or so we thought. After we get back into the cars Tyler asks, "I thought heaven is up?!"
I answered, "yes it is, past the clouds"
"No mommy, then why did Bak Bak go down?", the kid totally calls me bullshit!
"No Tyler she did not go down." I insisted.
"Mommy, I saw Bak Bak's box go down!" he stubbornly continues on.
This was when Uncle Tony saves the day.
"Tyler, do you remember when the man told us to bow our heads?" my brother reminds him.
"yes..." Tyler says.
"Well didn't you feel it?!?!? my brother asks him.
"Feel what???" Tyler asks.
"The rumbling! you didn't hear it?!? Bak Bak blast off into heaven like superman!" Tony explains. "So she's not in the box anymore!"
"ohhhhh!" and Tyler accepts this explanation. It was ok that my mouth almost started bleeding from biting my lips and the sides of my cheeks to keep from laughing.

Death is such a hard topic to explain to kids. What is really great is that with the chinese customs involved it confuses them even more! There are 2 chinese "holidays" each year where we are to go to the cemetary with offerings for our loved ones who have passed. We bring food and pastries, wines, incense, money (similar to monopoly play money), and flowers. We get there and lay everything out, burn incense and then we burn the money into a tin bucket. Burning the money into the next life where our loved ones are so they have money to spend. The kids never ask questions, thank god...but then how do I explain this...

We were at my uncle's grave and we turn around and there was another family at their family member's plot and they are doing the usual and burning incense...all of a sudden these 2 doll like figures are brought out. They are made of paper with brightly painted on faces and clothes and were about the same height as my kids if not taller...and then they stuck them in the bucket and began to burn them. There were large flames and these dolls were just burning away...OMG! I have never seen this before! Are these people freaks?! I'm thinking great how will I explain this? They didn't ask thankfully, but they stood and watched the whole thing and you can tell they didn't know what was going on...trust me, their mommy didn't either. So I asked my mother wtf was that?!? and she explained that sometimes people will burn those into the next life to serve as servants. WTF?!?

I know a lot of people would have disagreed with me on bringing the kids to the wake and funeral, and although I know there is some confusion, I am really glad I brought them. I don't want death to seem like such a secret topic...it's a fact of life. Kids have to deal with issues just as morbid and serious as death everyday, we have to warn them about strangers, why there is racism and how we deal with it, and then how about other mean children...it's a scary world we live in and I think opening up our childrens' eyes is important for them to succeed and be able to embrace life.