Help me help you!

As a parent you just know your kids. You know what they are thinking and you know what they are about to say...but also, everyday your child is changing. They are learning new things and picking up new language and skills. There are times when I really think I should have been issued a muzzle after I had given birth because I do know a lot of the inappropriateness comes from me.

My kids hear me saying every morning as I get dressed, "god I'm getting so ridiculously fat", or "I need to go on a diet", or even "now if this part was gone and or flat...". I realize now that every morning after the kids are dressed they check themselves out in the mirror which is fine, but there are some days where I pick something out and either Tyler or Madi will say, "no mommy, that makes me look fat." So once or twice ok, but now I think I've created monsters. Tyler tells me he doesn't want to touch chicken skin as it will make him fat. Yet all the candy and ice cream they inhale doesn't seem to be an issue...

So please....help me help you and save yourself from some embarassment!
So we try not to talk about it. The real problem is when we go out into public. THEN there are many "I wish I was dead" moments. So we are at the beach and please ladies! just because the string bikini is in your size...doesn't mean you should be sporting it!!! Help me help you!!! My kid sees this hideous sight and will call you out on it and say, "Mommy look how fat that girl is!", or maybe "Mommy! Her bum bum is so big!", or if you are a bit too revealing you will hear, "mommy I see the girl's nip balls!" So please I beg you...check the mirror before you leave for the beach. This goes to you even if not going to the beach. If you don't want my kids to point you out, please dress appropriately!

This also goes for bodily functions. My angels will call you out. I will never forget this day...we were at Bloomingdales and Daddy actually took Tyler to the bathroom. They went into the beautifully decorated posh bathroom where there are 2 private stalls. The heat was at full blast...not sure why, perhaps men do their business in the nude? So anyways, my husband takes Tyler into a stall and then it hit. An "odor" wafted by and Tyler screams out "OMG Daddy! Someone's taking a dump! OMG I can't breathe!" So in between laughter Daddy manages to get Tyler out of the bathroom where Tyler continues to go on about someone taking a dump in there and just how badly it smells. I have to say thank goodness the "other man" if you will, did not come out the door because otherwise EVERYONE in Bloomingdales on the 2nd floor near the men's shoes would have known what he had just done in there.

If you have gas and you feel the need to release, besides the fact that it is just polite to go somewhere private, but if you see my kids around you BETTER find somewhere private. Otherwise, my kids will not only yell out, "Peeeeeeee UUUUUUUUUU! someone farted!", but they will discuss amongst themselves trying to figure out who did it. My kids are part greyhound so they WILL figure it out and then they will not ask you, but ask each other, "did he do it Madi?" or "did he do it Tyler?". No mysteries go unsolved.